in Homicide

Over 100,000 people today witnessed the shocking murder of the Adelaide Crows football team.

The Tigers mauled, mutilated and murdered the Crows by 42 points.

At the time of writing the exact number of murdered crows was unknown as many of the footballers are still missing in action and unaccounted for.

Forward Josh Jenkins has not been seen since 2:30pm, along with many of his team mates. Anyone seeing Mr Jenkins is asked to call Mr Patrick Dangerfield immediately on 1800 lol Josh.

The Crows were systematically picked off by the Tigers in, at times, comical fashion giving this mass murder a macabre ending.

Artists Impression of The Suspects

Premiership Heroes 2017

Premiership Heroes 2017

Most troubling was the lack of fight put up by the so-called leaders of Adelaide in the slaughter. Their farcical efforts in putting up any sign of resistance ensured the casualty list was huge.

An investigation is under way and authorities will begin the painstaking task of identifying the victims.

Eyewitness reports point to a deliberate and planned ambush of the Crows. One witness describing seeing numerous Crows running in circles trying to get the football and, on the odd occasion they did, they were hunted down by an ambush of Tigers.

How The Murderous Slaughter of The Crows Began

One tribe member recounted how the massacre stared.

“I saw a little man in blue bounce a red piece of leather in the middle of the ground. Just then 22 Tigers became manic, rabid tacklers. It was unbelievable.”

He described the methodical picking off of Crows leaving them defeated and forlorn to the point of embarrassment.

Another stated “It was a quick annihilation. All over by half time. The Crows simply lay down and surrendered.”

Adelaide Resistance Was Short and Ineffective

Adelaide tried to stem the flow of blood by trying to intimidate the Tigers in the early stages of the debacle but it proved futile.
Murder of Crows

PAP Claims Responsibility

A small splinter group from the tiny South Australian hamlet of Port Adelaide initially took responsibility for the murder but this was quickly quashed as authorities determined they are worse than the Crows. This did not dampen the celebrations of Port Adelaide Power though.
Port Adelaide celebrate the murder of Crows

The Victors Feast On Their Kill

There are early suggestions the Tigers retreated to their savannah in Punt Rd to celebrate the slaughter and to feast on the spoils. They were joined by thousands of followers.

They were spotted enjoying the spoils of the kill and drinking from the Holy Grail. This Golden Chalice was overflowing with song, cries of joy and merriment.

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